Almost a year.

 

Thanksgiving is the last holiday before my grandmother went into hospice in 2018. Thanksgiving is the next to last holiday I spent with my mother. This time of the year is usually festive and a time to get together. For me not so much. 

We have always been about each other. So we didn't go do the rounds and visit and not a lot of people visited us. I have no idea why I just know its always been. When I was younger I always wanted to throw a party for my birthday or just have people over on the 4th. The few times it happened it either turned out ok or it was a lot of no-shows. 

My mother and I had conversations about it. Seems like we both wanted to entertain but never really could. So we just leaned in to being around each other. When my granny passed in 2018, my mother ended up in the hospital two days before my granny passed in hospice. I spent from December to April going back and forth to the hospital. I didn't have a lot of help, the help I got God saw that they were there when I needed them. 

When my mother came back home in April 2019 she wasn't the same. I tried to encourage her. I said we will get things together and get a wheelchair accessible vehicle and start traveling around visiting places and people. Little did I know the undertaking it was just to do the daily things. So I never achieved that before she passed. 

When she passed last December even though I did everything in my power to take care of her I felt I failed. I was depressed and hurt that I didn't do more. I was hurt that people I though cared were not here with me. I just shut down and figured this is my job to do and just started to work. OF course God always puts people in my path along the way to get me to where I need to be. I always appreciate those people who reached out to me and give me that helping hand. 

I think the worse part of all of this is I don't get to wake up, walk in the front and have my morning conversations with my mother. i wake up to a quiet dark house. its my house though and I wish to fill it with future good times and good people. Its the only way to continue. For now I'll have to deal with what I got and keep remembering what I want in my future and keep working towards it.