Incredible Hulk ending theme music Lonely man

Mother's day

Today has been a hard day, I don't know how to feel about today. I decided to stay by myself. Only going to the church to give Andre the laptop that I promised him. Then I came back home and decided to fix me something to eat and I just kind of sat around. I didn't turn on the TV. I didn't watch anything. I am just getting ready for tomorrow just keeping it moving. I'm sure my mother would want me to. 

The State of Kenneth.

I tried to make this not be a novel. Hopefully its insightful. It turned out to be more than a state of since I had to go back and give context. 

After I watched the state of the union I had an idea. I would do the state of me. Why you might ask. Well those who are really close to me know I'm guarded. It was something taught to me by my grandmother. It has its benefits and its drawbacks. Right now for me the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. 

The benefits it keeps people that shouldn't be in your business out of it. It's different for each of us. For me its the talkers that go around talking about what's bad that's going on in your life but never anything good. So other's that talk to them have the impression that you live in chaos. You might say, I don't care what other people thing. That's not the point. You get a lot of flack you just don't want in your life. So that's one benefit my granny showed me because he had examples of it around us. 

The drawbacks I'm living through right now. Most people thing I'm doing fine. I'm not. I'm broke, unemployed, behind on my mortgage and about to be behind on my utilities this month for the first time. The firs thing you might thing is, there are programs out here to help. Already in the one for the mortgage and its paper hell that I haven't gotten pass yet. My utilities you know you have to be behind to get in any one of these programs so I don't qualify until after these due dates. 

Jobs, I've been applying to jobs since June. The one thing I noticed is that employers are posting the same job over and over. They will post it in June then take it down after about 6 weeks, then post it again in maybe October, then do the same. Never even looking at applications. One good thing about Indeed and Glassdoor is that you are notified when employers look at you application. The majority of my applications never get looked at once. Those are the companies that are only putting out feelers. So don't believe in that resent jobs report those numbers aren't accurate. Back to my situation, the jobs I do get interviews with I feel go good then I reflect on it later and realized things. Like I was interviewing with Eastlake, the guy that interview me wasn't the hiring manager or hr. It was a guy they just hired in the same department I'm applying for the job. In the interview he exposed something about the company in a form of a what would I do in this scenario. I think he was looking at my reaction to it more than my solution. The scenario seemed common but when he revealed what was wrong it wasn't. For all my techies reading this they don't use DHCP so they assigned themselves addresses. In laymen. You turn on you computer. it goes out and gets an address from a server and sets your computer to that address so you can access the internet. Well in Eastlake that serve doesn't exist. So my reaction was wow. I held what I thought in my head that this office is in the stone age. But I did mention there is a lot of thoughts going on in my head but hey I can deal with that. So you think my reaction might have been negative? Do you think I didn't get the job because I was being interviewed by a peer? Dunno myself.

You might say hey, you got a IT services/consulting business. Aren't you making money there? The simple answer is no. When my granny decided to stop dialysis and went into the hospice, then my mother got sick and went into the hospital in December of 2018. I shut down my business as I couldn't manage it and this situation at the same time. During that time I had great people step up and help me. My mother's good friend Rita, my best friend Dawud, and several of my mother's former coworkers in the department of health. Especially Tanya, if it wasn't for her and the physical therapist at the hospital I would have had a problem with that hospital and how they were treating my mother. Tanya being on the phone in the Tuesday meetings with the doctors stopped them from using hard medical terms to talk over me. The therapist showed me something that looked like they were trying to say my mother didn't have all her facilities. But of course I can't say for sure but it looked like it. But I'm was happy to get her back home the day after her birthday in 2019. 

After she got home I still didn't go back into business. I was her full time caregiver. I felt I couldn't go back and not be here since she was in a wheelchair. I didn't have anyone that was willing to come over if I did get a job or went back into my business. So I stayed home. 

We get to December 2021, we had discussion on what I wanted to do after her death. It's a discussion a lot of people avoid, not us. She was concerned how I would live after she was gone for several reasons. One, when I started my business she was my sole angel investor. She got my off the ground and kept my skeleton services like my domain, my mailing address at University CoWork and my Google Workspaces going during the pause. 

So we talked and I wasn't sure. There was the issue of the house and if I wanted to keep it or sell it. I waffled back and forth. I want to stay in this community, Its probably the reason I never lived in any other part of Chicago. Then you look at this old house that was built around 1890. The upkeep on a house like this is harder and condition its in right now I need to rehab it. So in the middle of those discussions she passed away. 

Now I have decided to stay. Right now I'm still applying for jobs. I've also joined the Polsky Exchange in Hyde Park to seek assistance with my business. I'm re-engaging with University CoWork a source of help for me in the past. I'm in the process of looking at financial assistance from the SBA. 

With all that is going on its hard to focus. I slip on certain things, I'm in this constant paper hell. Also I have situations I know I did what people asked me but they claimed I didn't. I feel sometimes I need an assistant to help me keep this in order. There is light at the end of the tunnel I'm just trying to keep working towards it. Its kinda the reason I reached out on Facebook before asking people to hang out with me. The one thing that helps me out the most is being around people. Just me and Adora my cat isn't good for me or her. I find she is just like me. When people come by she greets them. We are alike in that sense. 

One last thing I know this read is LONG. I recently put out a t-shirt shop. That is my way of trying to finance myself in the short term and also those shirts help me if you wear them out. Yes advertising. I'm sure you knew that. So I would appreciate you buying a t-shirt. https://www.bonfire.com/store/litzsey-tech-services/  Also if your a home, home office or business user looking for a IT solution you can schedule a consultation with me. Appointment with me I hope to hear from you soon. 

The Aroma

 As someone who smoked cigars I find myself at time thinking about it but not in the sense of addiction. Just in the great aromas. I bought one recently with the intent of smoking it. but Its on my desk, never been lit but I'm just enjoying the aroma it leaves in the room. 

I wonder if someone has capitalized on this yet. This can be like any other scented product. I'm a guy that likes flavors cigars so the tobacco plus flavor can be something for those of us who smoke for the aroma and not any other reason. I can say personally if I could get the cigar scent. I might not need to smoke it. 

Just something I thought about this morning as I smell this cigar on my desk. 

TDay 2022

 Well this is the morning after Thanksgiving. I survived. Yesterday was a continuation of the years that have passed. No visitors, I had a few invites but I didn't go. Not because I didn't care to be around them. It wasn't from the people I wanted to hear from. Confirming what's in my mind, this is time I continue to move on. 

I wasn't going to cook but some friends on Facebook commented on a post and I began to feel this presence tell me to do what I feel. So I went to the store. Figured I get a ham, not really a turkey guy. The 3 hams that were left were high priced. I have to consider money since I'm in the crunch I'm in now. So I went to look at the pork loins. Good size, nice price, I bought one. Already have everything at home for Mac n Cheese. I saw the Pepperidge Farm 12 oz back of cornbread stuffing and got that over the, ugh, stove top stuffing. 

So I got what I needed, went home and mustard crusted the pork loin and put it in the oven. I figured I would take care of that Thanksgiving eve than get up in the morning and do it. Finished that let it cool, cut a couple of pieces to make sandwich, delicious. The best pork loin I even fixed, tender and juicy, perfectly cooked. 

The next morning I woke up took my mustard green I fixed the week before bagged in quart freezer bags so I can take them out when i wanted them thaw them and heat them up on a pot. Next I made my gravy, I didn't have chicken broth but of course I had water and bullion power. So I made the gravy with a slurry (water and cornstarch) and Worcestershire sauce. At first I put too much chicken bullion in the water so it was salty. I had to pour some off and add more water but I got it working. At the end after I put the slurry in and added some butter the smooth it out. My gravy was done for now. 

Now its time for the stuffing. I cut up my celery and onion put it int the pot with butter. Got that going then added chicken broth. Now its time to add the stuffing. Well when I added it the water just seem to suck up in the bottom and the stuffing on the top was still dry. So I had a kettle with hot water and put enough in the moisten the top. Then i looked at it and said to myself this isn't enough. Grabbed a glass pan out of the cabinet put the stuffing in after buttering the bottom and put it in the oven. I put the greens in a small cast iron put and put it in the oven with the stuffing. 

next the pork I fixed yesterday. I sliced half of it yesterday before I put it in the fridge so I took those pieces out put them in a small glass pan, put some gravy in it and put it in the oven also. 

Lastly is my Mac and Cheese. Now I grab the box of Mac and Cheese from the shelf with no intention of using the pasta in the box. I had my own. I started my pot with water and salt. got my pasta going. Took the starter pack out of the box and put it on the table. Got my milk in order. When the pasta was done I put it together with some other cheeses I had. Looking good, but of course that voice said to me again. Get another glass pan and put that in the oven also. I did and that is that. 

When I finished cooking it was about the 30 minutes before the first game. So I set up my place in the living room. Turned on the TV and prepared my plate. It was about the middle of the first quarter. 

As I sat down with my plate I looked to my right, the picture here shows what I saw. So you know Adora got some cause there is no way I eat and she doesn't. 

I watched the game until it watched me. I at least caught the good ending of the first game. Detroit came to play they aren't quite there yet but I see them becoming a team to beat. 

I got seconds by the Dallas/NYG game. We went to sleep around the 3rd quarter and I woke up with 3 mins left in the game. 

With the Vikings/Pats game starting I went into the back room. Surprisingly Adora didn't immediately follow me. I guess she was comfortable with the soothing Christmas lights I set up during the first game. 

I got a few calls and chatted quite a bit. Some thing I needed and really wanted. 

In the end, game over leftovers put up, I went to bed. A nice day.

Almost a year.

 

Thanksgiving is the last holiday before my grandmother went into hospice in 2018. Thanksgiving is the next to last holiday I spent with my mother. This time of the year is usually festive and a time to get together. For me not so much. 

We have always been about each other. So we didn't go do the rounds and visit and not a lot of people visited us. I have no idea why I just know its always been. When I was younger I always wanted to throw a party for my birthday or just have people over on the 4th. The few times it happened it either turned out ok or it was a lot of no-shows. 

My mother and I had conversations about it. Seems like we both wanted to entertain but never really could. So we just leaned in to being around each other. When my granny passed in 2018, my mother ended up in the hospital two days before my granny passed in hospice. I spent from December to April going back and forth to the hospital. I didn't have a lot of help, the help I got God saw that they were there when I needed them. 

When my mother came back home in April 2019 she wasn't the same. I tried to encourage her. I said we will get things together and get a wheelchair accessible vehicle and start traveling around visiting places and people. Little did I know the undertaking it was just to do the daily things. So I never achieved that before she passed. 

When she passed last December even though I did everything in my power to take care of her I felt I failed. I was depressed and hurt that I didn't do more. I was hurt that people I though cared were not here with me. I just shut down and figured this is my job to do and just started to work. OF course God always puts people in my path along the way to get me to where I need to be. I always appreciate those people who reached out to me and give me that helping hand. 

I think the worse part of all of this is I don't get to wake up, walk in the front and have my morning conversations with my mother. i wake up to a quiet dark house. its my house though and I wish to fill it with future good times and good people. Its the only way to continue. For now I'll have to deal with what I got and keep remembering what I want in my future and keep working towards it.

I want to run this how I run this!

 

 I've been on Paltalk since 2005 when i injured myself and had some time off. It was a great place to interact with people. I soon found myself DJn in paltalk rooms, having fun and even started my own little room. 

As time went on Paltalk implimented a web client for the Linux and Mac users. Cool. After a while I guess when they made a Mac client the web client was discontinued. I was force to go back to windows 100 percent of the time. 

I left for several reasons. The first, things had changed. I think just like me we all were working more and playing less. Second, I'm a Linux guy naturally and my windows computer gave out on me so i'm left with my Linux box. If you remember above Linux isn't supported. So I was done.

Then the pandemic happened and in addition for me I lost both my granny in 2018 and my mother in 2021. So I bought a Windows computer for the first time in a longtime. Got on pal and figure I'd have some fun while I was going through everything. 

 

Well the experience wasn't but I never expected it to be 2005-08. I got in a room and tried to DJ. Things are different now that all the streaming is available. You really don't need to own music. But I am a DJ so you really can't blend streamed music. It was a so so venture. I had issues with configuration, sound on windows and everything else. I got tired of it and stopped. 

Now I'm back on Linux, tired of the 4 month adventure back into the world of Windows. So I though about using Bottles which is a application on Linux to allow you to run Windows programs. Its mainly for gaming but hey Paltalk is kinda gaming. So I gave it a try. It actually worked. I got in a room, could chat, could do a lot of things, I really didn't care for the extras anyway I was just there to listen to the DJs and talk to the people. 

I should have been more careful. As I know the red names are all over the place. But I typed in the room I got paltalk to work on linux its nice. 

 

Well today I logged on and now it doesn't work. I can say it was something in th software, I could say they reported me and now I'm restricted somehow. 

I was told back some time ago from a technician on paltalk that they don't support people that use VMs or other means to run paltalk because they cheat the system to get paid access. I take that comment with a grain of salt. You telling me Paltalk loses that much money on that to the point you cut off every Linux user and force them to run an operating system they normally don't. Well if my VM that I'm making doesn't work. I guess Paltalk will be gone from me again and the 60 dollars a year I pay to keep my subscription does also. It funny that one program forces you to either be Mac, Windows or android to even take part in it. SMH....Holla paltalk.